The Band Survival Guide
by trumpet echoes
Summary: Band is never easy. Especially this one. Not so much a guide as a story that, well, we think is funny, and hopefully so do you. Cowritten by a drum major. An F'd u up production, so you can expect alot of language.
1. Lesson 1: Don't Mess with the Drum Major

_F'd U Productions Presents:_

**The Band Survival Guide**

Lesson 1:

Don't Mess With the Drum Major

note: the characters in this story are vaguely related to the people in my band, the SCHS Marching Cardinals. For comic effect, my co-writer, one of our drum majors, and I have made up or exaggerated certain qualities of our members. Everyone except Cameron is really not as bad as we depict them. We don't like Cameron. He is a fetus.

It was a beautiful, serene evening; the sun was shining, the birds were chirping, and the clarinets were screwiing up yet another song.

"What the crap was that supposed to be?" asked the drum major as she stopped conducting. "I know you people are not this friggin' incompetent!"

"Well _I _played it perfect," said Cameron, a freshman saxophone player.

"Cameron… you're holding your instrument up-side down." the drum major, Andy (girl) said.

Cameron looked down at his saxophone… that was up-side down. He tried feebly to find the correct position.

"No, the mouthpiece goes in your mouth… no, that's the bell… don't put your finger in there! Okay, now put on your neck strap… on your _neck, _dumbass!" After ten minutes of teaching Cameron how to hold the instrument he'd been playing for three years, Andy was finally ready to re-start the song.

"Alright let's…please, God… let's try the song again. 1, 2, ready, play."

_SCREEECH!_

Andy stopped immediately with a disgusted look on her face. You know the kind of face you make when you take a big drink of soured milk that has been sitting on top of a radiator for weeks.

"…You people aren't even trying, are you!" Andy said, infuriated. There was silence until…

"It's been a long week!" cried Cameron.

"IT'S TUESDAY!" screamed Andy. "What the _hell _is wrong with you people!"

"Come on, Andy!" said Dewey, a tuba player. "Practice should've ended an hour ago! I wanna go home! I'm hungry! I need my ointment!"

"You can go home when we get this song right!" yelled Andy. "But speaking of which, I'm kind of hungry… If you need me, I'll be in the drum-major room-slash-hotel-slash-spa getting a steak from the five-star restaurant."

Andy walked out of the band room and motioned for the other drum major, Becky to take her place. Becky stepped up to the podium.

"Alright, people, I won't be as tolerant as Andy," said Becky. Several band members twitched. "So let's try and do our _veeeeeerrry _best. 'Kay?"

"Um… okay."

"Gooooood. Because if we don't do good at our next competition, Becky will be unhappy. You won't like me when I'm unhappy." Becky's voice was starting to deepen. "I tend to get unpleasant when I'm unhappy. And I know where every one of you lives. And I will find you."

The band room was silent, aside from the releasing of various liquids.

"Okay then!" Becky said, her normal tone returning. " First song. Alright, 1, 2, ready, play."

Outside, a dog starts whimpering. A child starts crying. A car suddenly skids across four lanes of traffic and slams into a cement barrier. And the earth's rotation falters."

Becky looked furious. "Dewey! I told you no farting in the band room! Okay, now let's actually start the song. 1, 2, ready, play."

The song, despite Becky's "unique" pep talk, was still lacking. The wrong notes, rushed rhythms, and complete lack of dynamics was starting to get on Becky's nerves. She stopped conducting.

"Okay, I didn't want to have to do this," Becky picked up a puppy and pulled a revolver out of her pocket. "One bullet, six chambers. For every wrong note I hear I pull the trigger." She puts the barrel to the puppy's head. It whimpers adorably.

"NO! PUPPY!" the band screamed in unison.

"If you want the puppy to live you will PLAY THEDAMN SONG RIGHT!" screamed Becky.

"I thought you weren't allowed to have weapons in school." said Byron, a flute player.

"One of the perks of being a drum major." Becky beamed.

"Isn't it against the law?"

"I AM ABOVE THE LAW!"

"…oh yeah."

"Now are we going to play the song right this time?" The band nodded nervously. "Good. Andy, I'm holding the puppy, so can you conduct for me? Andy? Andy!"

"Huh!" Andy awoke with a start. "Was I asleep? I don't remember…" she looked down and noticed her water bottle. "CAMERON! DID YOU SPIKE MY WATER AGAIN?"

"Uh… no! what makes you say that?" A reed case suddenly dropped from his stand and shattered, spilling a white powder all over the floor.

"THAT'S THE THIRD TIME THIS MONTH!" Andy pulled her handgun from her belt loop and pointed it at Cameron.

"Andy! Mrs. Harless (the band director) said no more casualties!" warned Becky.

"It's just Cameron."

"Get up here and conduct already." said Becky. Andy started to get on the podium as she noticed Becky holding her gun to a puppy.

"Ahh, the old wrong-note-Russian-Roulette-with-a-puppy routine. A classic. Alright, 1, 2, ready, play."

"Hold it!" cried someone. Then about ten people in matching t-shirts stormed the band room and snatched the puppy from Becky's hands. They were gone as suddenly as they appeared.

"Son of a midget stripper!" exclaimed Becky. "Why does PETA keep interrupting our practices!"

"Because you keep pointing guns at puppies!" said Cameron.

"Shut up!" said Andy, then she shot Cameron in the stomach with her standard-issue Field Captain 9mm.

"AH! OH GOD! IT HURTS!" cried Cameron.

"Oh, suck it up, pussy! You always cry when you get shot, ya big baby! Grow up!" said Becky.

"I'm bleeding! Please! Call an ambulance!"

"I'll call an ambulance when you get measure 32 right!" said Andy. "Do you really expect me to let you have ambulance privileges the way you're playing right now?"

"Okay people, start from the beginning, and play it right or we might end up like Cameron now might we?" said Becky.

The band started playing. The trumpet section, as always, was perfect. The saxophone section was good. Now if they could only get the flute section………. Nope.

"Alright, everyone stop!" Andy yelled. "Listen up. Once upon a time…"

"Yay! I like stories!" said Dewey.

"…their was an elf, and he played flute. Well he practiced all the time and could play his rehearsal songs perfect, so that way his drum major wouldn't put the flute where the sun don't shine." Her tone was harsh. "So why don't our flutes learn something from the elf."

Byron looked up with a tear in his eye. His hands trembled on his flute as he looked at it.

"Why are you crying you little bitch?"

"Bad memories."

"Of what?"

"My flute being stuck up where the sun don't shine."

"…"

"What? I was drunk."

"…"

"…I cleaned it afterwards!"

"…um…okay." Andy suddenly felt very uncomfortable. She wanted this practice to end. But how? She wasn't going to let them out until they got this song right… there was only one way.

"Okay, guys, look, if we _practice _good, we _play _good, right?"

"Yeah…" the band looked as if they had heard this speech a million times before… which was essentially.

"And if we _play _good, we get to regionals, right?"

"Yeah…god damn…"

"And if we make it to regionals, we get to miss school. A lot of school."

"!"

As Andy stepped down from the podium to reload her gun, she stopped. The band had started playing in perfect unison… in perfect tune… and, well, pretty damn good.

When the song was over, Andy was stunned. "H-how…the…fuck…"

"Ha ha, bitch! We don't suck!" Cameron yelled to Andy

The paramedics once again rushed into the band room to treat Cameron's two gunshot wounds.

End

Next Lesson: Trumpets are _always _right!

Justin: So? Whaddya think? Please review! But go easy on me…. This is the first story I've ever written that wasn't done for school.And it was co-written by a drum major,and if you say anything bad about them, they willfind you.I know things kinda felt too rushed, and it was really short, but it will get better! And Cameron gets shot again. That's always good. For he is a fetus.


	2. Lesson 2: Trumpets Are Always Right

Like all things band related, this story contains a lot of inside jokes that people not in band, or not in my band, probably won't get. Here is some semi-interesting info concerning this story: 1.) The phrase, "trumpets are always right" was created about 3 years ago by the first chair trumpets (who have both graduated by now), because, well, the trumpets were always right. 2.) This story was not F'd U up Production's first story. Last band camp, two trumpet players, Kyle and Carrie, wrote a hilarious screenplay called "Trumpets Gone Wild", which you will hopefully see on this site very soon. "Band Survival Guide" joined F'd U up productions later.

Well, that was boring. Without any further ado, or if you skipped this part without _any _ado, on with the story!

_F'd U up Productions Presents_

**The Band Survival Guide**

Lesson 2: Trumpets are always right

"_This one time, at band camp…"_

-American Pie

"Ahhh… another day, another band practice, another reason to die early, eh?" said Justin. It was, indeed, another band practice. A day at band camp to be exact. It was 7:48, twelve minutes till practice started, and all the veteran trumpets (Kyle, 1st chair - Justin, 2nd - Carrie, 3rd - and CJ, 4th) were sitting together in the band room.

"Yep. If God would just kill us we wouldn't have to do this anymore." said Carrie, repeating her band camp motto. "I seriously think this is a pre-cursor to Hell.

"Amen. Kyle, your band captain! That's like a step below God, can't you tell him to help us out?" said CJ.

"He won't return my phone calls." said Kyle.

"Crap. Anyone else? Jesus? Buddha? That cult leader down the street?"

_"_Nope. Nobody likes the band_."_

"Alright, people! Instruments out!" shouted Becky, the drum major.

"… Have you noticed that Becky and Andy run all of our practices?" asked Carrie.

"Yea… where the hell is Mrs. Harless?" said Kyle.

"Gynecologist appointment?" suggested Justin.

"She might be on another killing spree." said CJ.

"She probably just exploded." said Carrie.

"Have you even thought that she might have quit?" said Kyle.

"That would explain why she exploded."

"PEOPLE! NO TALKING!" screamed Becky.

"Your mom talks!" cried Cameron, desperately trying to keep the "Yo Mama" craze alive.

Becky sighed as she pulled her Field Captain 9mm from it's holster and shot Cameron in the arm.

"AHH! OH GOD!"

Kyle looked annoyed. "Goddam, he gets shot like every practice," he said. "You think he'd learn not to piss off a drum major with a gun by now."

"Or at least die of lead poisoning." said Justin

"Well I think-"

"SHUT UP JORDAN! THIRD TRUMPETS WILL SPEAK WHEN SPOKEN TO!" Kyle shouted at Jordan, the littlest third trumpet of all. Jordan, along with the rest of the third trumpets, curled up defensively.

"Hmmm… that reminds me, " Andy, another drum major, started, "We've hired a professional sniper to guard the band room. Anyone caught trying to leave will be shot on sight."

"Big deal. I get shot all the time." Cameron said, apparently ignoring the bullet in his arm.

"You're right. As I will demonstrate."

BANG!

"AH!"

"We've also tapped the phone lines," Becky began, "So if anyone tries to call 911, they will be subjected to our 'special' form of interrogation."

"What kind of interrogation?" asked Dewey.

"It involves a dog, a pineapple, and a copy of 'Miss Congeniality 2'."

"Oh God…."

"So I take it you all are going to be _good _little prisoners?" said Becky. Andy elbowed her in the side.

"Hmpf…. I mean band students. He heh heh…"

"Alright then," said Andy. "Warm up for a little while. I have to go make a deal with the Japanese mafia."

Andy left the band room. Conversations started, with almost no one except the trumpets actually warming up. (to be fair, some were tending to their wounds.)

Fifteen minutes passed, and Andy still hadn't returned. The trumpets had long since warmed up. This gave them time to think.

"Hey… we had to chose to join band, right?" asked Justin.

"Yeah," answered Kyle.

"So why the hell are we staying in band when they have drum majors who shoot you if you make a smart remark, snipers that shoot you when you try to run away, and tapped phone lines when you call 911?"

Because the authors hadn't really thought this out when they wrote this stupid story." said CJ.

"Oh, okay. Speaking of which, Carrie, have you finished the latest episode of 'Trumpets Gone Wild'?"

"Yeah, but I left it at home." said Carrie.

"Crap. Well, what happens in it?"

"You have sex with a dog,"

"What!" cried Justin.

"CJ buys some mint-flavored condoms for his gay lover,"

"WHAT!" bellowed CJ.

"Kyle develops an odd pleasure from caressing rusty things,"

"But my therapist says I'll be better in, like two weeks." said Kyle, defensively.

"And I do inappropriate things to my Aquafina bottle." finished Carrie.

"…"

"…"

"What?" said Carrie.

"You bitch." said Justin and CJ in unison.

"Hey, it's better than this piece-of-shit story." said Kyle.

"Yep." said Carrie.

"You made me have sex with a dog?" screamed Justin.

"You made me GAY?" shouted CJ.

"What? Did I tell your secret too soon?" taunted Carrie.

"GAAARRRGG!" screamed CJ. "JORDAN! GET OVER HERE!"

Jordan cautiously stepped forward, only to have CJ throw a haymaker in his face, sending him flying backwards.

"Ahhh…" sighed CJ. "I fell better now."

"Man, hitting your underlings just never gets old." said Kyle.

"Yeah. I remember when I was _your _underling," Justin said as he rubbed an old scar on his side. "Man, did **that **suck. You were violent."

"I'm still violent, and technically you're still my underling."

"…Shit."

"Maybe we shouldn't abuse the newblets so much," stated CJ. "They might quit."

"That's what the snipers are for." said Carrie.

"Well, their parents could see the bruises and make them quit… we really can't shoot the parents, too."

"Hello! That' the _main reason _parents make their kids stay in band!" said Carrie. Kyle Justin CJ, and Carrie suddenly looked sad. "Oh…"

"Alright, people, I'm back!" Andy said as she walked in. "Sorry it took so long. You'd be surprised how long it takes to saw off a horse's head.."

"Hey, where'd Becky go?" whispered Justin. "She could've ran practice while Andy was gone…"

"QUIET!" screamed Andy. "Okay, let's get to work. Trumpets, letme hear the fanfare at measure 17. 1...2...ready…play."

Somewhere, in a place we've all dreamt about but have never seen for ourselves, the gates of Heaven opened.

St. Peter looked pleased. "Ah, the Sheldon Clark trumpets must be playing." he said.

Andy, for the first time since the last time she heard the trumpets play, looked pleased as well. "Good," she said. "Now lets hear the clarinets play at 17. Play it _just _like the trumpets. Okay?"

"Got it." said Tera, a Clarinet player.

"That means play it good." said Andy.

"Yeah. Okay." said Clyde, another clarinet player.

"Alright," said Andy. "1, 2, ready, play."

_Squuuaaaaaawwwwwwk!_

Somewhere, in a place that haunts our nightmares, n a place we hope to never have to go, the gates of Hell opened.

"Hey! Someone shut he band room door!" said Andy. Suddenly, a huge fire appeared beside Andy, and Becky stepped out of it, unscathed.

"DO I HAVE TO GET THE PUPPY AGAIN!" she shouted at the clarinets.

"No, Becky…" said Tera and Clyde.

"Besides, PETA will just save the puppy again." said Cameron sarcastically.

BANG!

"Ah! Godammit!"

"That will just never get old." said Becky, blowing on the barrel of her gun.

"Hey! It was my turn to shoot Cameron!" said Andy.

"Nuh-uh. You shot him last."

"But _I'm _his section leader, so I get secondsies!"

"But **_I'm_** lead drum major."

"SAID WHO!"

"SAID _ME _BITCH!"

"Uuuuhhh…. I think now would be a good time for sectionals…" said Kyle, nervously.

"SECTIONALS! HURRY PEOPLE!" shouted Justin.

The band rushed out of the band room, frantically dodging the bullets and fireballs being exchanged by the drum majors.

**END**

Next Chapter: Practice Safe Sax

Justin: Whew, another chapter done. And Cameron gets shot, let's see, one… two… three times! Yay! This chapter was written solely by me, and the next chapter will be written solely by the drum major, Andy. Hope you enjoyed this story so far, and please review!


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